Beth Granger

Frustration turned into despair before I felt a familiar panic rising. Who am I kidding? I can’t have all these tempting foods around! What if I get caught in a binge spiral that lasts for days, even weeks?

Gathering up every holiday treat, I marched outside and locked it in my freezing car. Will this help? I wondered.

Probably not.

This is not my first rodeo.

But what about the binge eating experts who all say that we should be able to have trigger foods in the house? What about the intuitive eating guidelines that say no food is off limits?  “Eat anything and everything!  Just thinking about restriction will lead to bingeing!” some say.

Then there are the coaches who tell us to eliminate our fear-foods. “Get rid of temptation! Just throw it away! Take your power back!”

Still other experts say that we will never stop bingeing until we’ve healed our childhood trauma. Great. Like that’s ever going to happen. In my case, I spent my first three decades in a cult. I’m all too aware that trauma recovery might take a lifetime.

At least I can fix my eating! That’s been my mantra ever since I escaped the cult.

For years I followed one authority after another. It would seem like I was making progress until I wasn’t. Time and time again, I would find myself bingeing. For me, none of the approaches actually worked. Decades of strict control caused relentless binge urges. I’d throw away “trigger foods” only to dig them out of the garbage hours later. Conversely, the opposite approach didn’t do me any favours. I skeptically tried the “Eat everything you want, whenever you want it!” approach during the pandemic. It only fed my urges to binge. I’ve also been fortunate to see a therapist regularly for 18 years. While processing trauma has been critical for my recovery, it doesn’t stop the cravings either.

So last year, I tried something new. I attempted to strike a balance between the opposite approaches. It’s kind of like walking a tightrope.

Difficult as it is, I still think it’s possible. Little by little I’ve been discovering that mythical space in between control and allowance. While it lasts, it’s marvellous. I’ve spent the past year learning to observe my urges, rather than acting on them. I still eat and thoroughly enjoy “trigger” foods, but I don’t buy them in bulk. I’m making progress, but I’ll be honest; I’m probably not strong enough to resist a basket of binge foods only 10 feet away from the house.

But maybe I am. Maybe I’m ready to try that too.

For nearly five decades I’ve been trying to recover from an eating disorder that began when I was five years old. According to our cult leader, my sinful gluttony needed to be eradicated, so my dieting days began in kindergarten.

Fear of food and weight gain soon took over my life. Paradoxically, I also became obsessed with food. The more I restricted, the more I desired it. These opposing forces got stronger the more I dieted. By my mid teens, anorexia took its dreadful hold. Two years later, bulimia took the reins.

I’ve been trying to take back control ever since. 

But here’s what I’ve learned on my long, exhausting road to recovery. “Taking back control” does not work long term. Everyone has heard that “diets don’t work”. Partially because metabolisms grind to a halt during starvation. So, whenever we loosen the reins on restriction, we gain weight alarmingly quickly.

Even worse, our brains and bodies can no longer tolerate even the IDEA of restriction. It’s a defense mechanism against future deprivation. Whenever I have thoughts about controlling my intake (or my body size) my brain is bombarded with urges to eat everything right now! That survival instinct kicks in and doesn’t let go. It can haunt you for decades. It’s been 6 years since my last diet, but I still experience persistent urges to binge, especially at night.

Since control doesn’t work, eating disorder recovery often involves “eating at will”. Some refer to this as “intuitive eating”.  While the idea sounds great at first, the approach can be fraught with issues. Someone who has battled their appetite for decades doesn’t easily throw caution to the wind. I’ve been learning to eat intuitively for 5 years. My brain had to learn that restriction was no longer on the menu.

But the problem with this phase is that it usually causes weight gain. Which often starts the diet/binge cycle all over again. Much as I was tempted to succumb to my panic and TAKE BACK CONTROL, I didn’t. I let myself eat. I bought the next size(s) up. I tried to accept my body. It was often painful, always humbling. To a disordered eater, gaining weight takes more courage than most people can imagine.

So, what’s a person to do? Control doesn’t work and allowance causes weight gain without really alleviating binge urges. Is there another path? 

Turns out, YES!

Last year I discovered a book called Brain over Binge by Kathryn Hansen and it could be game changing. Some people have ended decades of bingeing after following her advice. In a nutshell, Hansen teaches how to gradually re-wire the brain by dismissing urges to binge. It’s all about stopping an addictive habit in its tracks. The approach makes sense but isn’t easy. I spend most evenings noticing, accepting, and dismissing urge after urge after urge after urge. If I ever give in, the cravings only get stronger.

That’s why I’m still a work in progress. But I remain hopeful.

My psychologist says Hansen’s approach is based on ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy). I must accept my urges to binge but commit to ignoring them. So, that is what I’ve been attempting in 2023. One month, I didn’t binge at all. My worst month, I binged 5 times. Compared to my past, these results are inspiring.

My hope is that someday, I will be able to say that I used to be a binge eater. Until that day comes, I will keep walking this path to recovery. If you’d like to join me, I could really use the company.

Also, if you’re at all curious to know what will happen to the binge basket in my freezing trunk, or how I’m recovering from an abusive cult…Stay tuned! My memoir is set to be published by She Writes Press in 2025. Until then, I’m planning to build up my courage by sharing my recovery journey in bite sized morsels. Follow me on Facebook or better yet, sign up for my mailing list.